Anger Guidelines

Suppose you decide that a situation is worth making an issue over. There are steps you can take to ensure that you address the anger-provoking situation in an assertive but respectful way:

• After you and the other person have both cooled down, approach him/her and ask to schedule a time when you can talk about the situation.
• When you get together to talk, seek first to understand the other person's point of view. Avoid attacking, defending, or interrupting him/her. Avoid trying to determine who's right and who's wrong. Focus instead on what about the situation is important to each of you. Anticipate that the other person's position will be much different from yours (otherwise, you would not have been in conflict), so strive to see the situation through his or her lens. While you may not agree with the other person's perspective, remind yourself that it is as valid as your own.
• Avoid blaming the other person. Focus instead on each person's contribution to the situation in a neutral way. If you can't identify your contribution to the problem, your lack of awareness is your contribution to the problem! Remember, it takes two to tango. Whatever happens between two people is the result of the actions of both people. You can unknowingly contribute to a problem in two ways: by avoiding (going along to get along, complaining to everyone but the person you're angry with, minimizing) or by distancing (acting aloof, judgmental, critical, argumentative, or in any other way that will cause others to want to avoid dealing with you).
• Use "I" statements. Talk about how you felt when the person did or said what they did. Avoid ascribing motives to what they did. You cannot know for sure what the other person intended, and your guessing is most likely based on distorted thinking.
• Focus on getting the real issues out on the table: What is it that you want? What is it that other person wants? How can both of you get at least some of what you each want?

If you approach conflicts in this way, your relationships with family, friends and co-workers will grow stronger rather than deteriorating.

Anger over Little Things

We can't fight every battle. Things may not always go the way we'd like, but it's important to develop the ability to discern when to make an issue over something and when to let it go. I'm not suggesting that you stuff your anger and pretend not to feel it. Allow yourself to feel it, but once you do, consider whether you want to say or do something about the situation. Many times our anger is due to our own irrational thinking. If that's the case, talk yourself down. Consider whether you can give the other person the benefit of doubt, or whether you can cut them some slack. If you can, find a way to let go of the issue.

After thinking the situation through, if you still have a nagging urge to respond, that's your cue to develop a rational action plan for addressing whatever is bothering you. At this point, you're engaging your rational thinking rather than reacting merely from a primitive emotional level. Chances are, your reponse will be calmer, more effectice, and better heard than if you had responded impulsively in the moment.

The Angry Child Within

When we think about times when we've become angry, we can usually recognize our inner child in the scenario. Dr. Paul Hauck, a clinical psychologist, has found that we move through as many as six levels of thought when we become angry. As we look at these levels, it's easy to see how closely related they are to those of a tantrumming child:

1. "I want something." When we get angry, it's because we're not getting something we want. It can be something material in the form of an object, something experiential in the form of an event, or something intangible in the form of another's behavior.

2. "I didn't get what I wanted and I'm frustrated." The fact that we didn't get what we wanted has an effect on the way we feel.

3. "It is awful and terrible not to get what I want." When we dwell on the fact that we didn't get what we wanted, we begin to catastrophize and blow the incident out of proportion.

Let's stop here. At Level 3, we're still rational, but our perception of truth is breaking down. Things are not really as bad as we're thinking they are. Unless we challenge our thoughts at this point and disrupt the process, we will step into the realm of irrationality, where cognitive distortions take over:

4. "You shouldn't frustrate me! I must have my way." We're now disowning our feelings and placing the blame on the other person for the way we're feeling. When we think in terms of "musts," we're setting ourselves up for anger, frustration and resentment.

5. "You're bad for frustrating me." We're thinking in terms of "all or nothing": either the other person is "all good" or "all bad." We're also discounting any positive experiences we may have had with the other person in the past, and attaching a negative label to him or her.

6. "Bad people ought to be punished." This is fertile ground for revenge-seeking. We are ready to extract a pound of flesh for what the other person has done to us.

Try applying these levels to a recent episode in which you became angry. To what level did your anger go? If you entered the irrational realm, how can you avoid going there in the future? 

Anger Styles in Families

Families manage anger in different ways, and often those ways are unhealthy. In fact, rarely do I encounter clients who describe having come from a family that embraced the feeling of anger in a healthy manner.

Some clients recall feeling puzzled over the unpredictable anger of other family members who unexpectedly reacted angrily over seemingly minor situations. In some families people frequently snap at each other with impatience. In other families, anger is pent up, leaving each person to simmer and act moody, dwelling privately on bad feelings and resentment. They may eventually explode by shouting or hitting; other times, they continue to deny the anger.

Families who deny anger usually hold the belief that they "shouldn't" feel angry. They try to sweep it under the rug. The problem with this approach is twofold: First, it affects other family members who don't know whether the prson is angry at them or at someone else, and secondly, it undoubtedly foments into bitterness and ill will.

However a family chooses to deal with anger will have a significant impact on the children. How the children are taught to react to anger and experience it early in their development will affect how they will react to anger and experience it laater on as adults.

Stress Overload Leads to Anger

Living with chronic stress (financial problems, unemployment, a bad relationship), or merely encountering frequent daily hassles, takes a toll on a person's ability to cope. Add to that a major stressor, such as a divorce or a death in the family, and a person is prone to overreact aggressively.

We hear about this type of situation every day in the news. A couple's relationship problems lead to child abuse by one or both parents. Someone's spouse leaves them, or they lose a job, and they go on a shooting spree in the family home or in the workplace. While we can't condone what these individuals do, we can understand what it is that has led to their tragic acts:  Stress.

People whose personalities are predominantly Type A experience stress overload on a continual basis. As a result, they tend to be easily angered. They are ambitious and competitive, which can be positive traits, but on the flip side they can be hostile and aggressive. As in an ancient Eastern saying, "The back is as big as the front." Hostility and aggression are breeding grounds for domestic violence and other harmful behavior.

If you find that you are chronically stressed, or that every day you are faced with a myriad of annoyances, or if you tend to be a "Type A," develop a plan for releasing some of your stress on a daily basis. Make it a priority. At a minimum, take at least 20 minutes each day and make it "Me Time."  

Anger, Alcohol and Drugs

Have you ever heard the expression, "Loose lips sink ships"? Alcohol and drugs often lead to those loose lips. When a person indulges in either of these substances, his or her inhibitions drop away, which causes them to do or say things that they ordinarily would never consider doing or saying. A person who is usually quiet and reserved can become talkative and boisterous -- or even aggressive. A person who is prone to aggression can become violent. If you want to see examples of this, watch a few episodes of "Cops." Enough said.  

The Anger Family

Normal, Healthy Anger has two cousins whom we can call the "black sheep" of the Anger Family. They are neither normal nor healthy. Their names are Attitude and Behavior.

Attitude is hostile, cynical, arrogant, complains all the time, views everything in a negative light, and believes that everyone owes her something. When she comes to visit, she sticks around for a long time -- the uninvited house guest who doesn't know when to leave.

Behavior, Attitude's brother, is physically aggressive. He engages in hurtful actions, and sometimes even gets violent. He likes to dwell within people who don't care what others think or how they feel.

There are steps you can follow to take the power away from Attitude and Behavior. First, become aware of your "hot self talk." Replace it with cool self talk. The thoughts that run through your mind affect the way you feel. If you entertain hot thoughts, you will make Attitude and Behavior feel very welcome. Secondly, put some space between an anger-provoking event and your response. Attitude and Behavior are impulsive. They like to respond immediately, without giving any thought to how their response may affect those around them. If you take time to think before responding, Attitude and Behavior will get bored and leave.

Think of your mind and body as your house. You have control over who lingers and who must go. If you want to maintain healthy relationships, Attitude and Behavior need to hit the road.

Anger Can Be Triggered by Biases

We all hold biases of one sort or another. Usually when we hear the word "bias," we think of it in terms of prejudice. Another type of bias is related to the way we interpret certain events. Biases can lead us to interpret a situation in a negative way. For example, suppose you're walking down the street and someone approaches from the opposite direction, bumping into you as they pass. If you normally interpret this type of action as intentional, and you will probably feel annoyed or maybe even angry at the person. In this situation, you are biased against people who bump into you, and you will react accordingly. On the other hand, if you shrug the bump off as an accident, you hold no bias against the person who bumped into you, and therefore will not feel angry.

Whenever you feel provoked, it is easy to formulate a bias against people who do or say whatever it is that has provoked you. Biases cause us to feel justified in striking back. You may think, "She did that to me, so I'm going to do this to her," or "I'll give him a knuckle sandwich -- that's the only way he'll learn to respect me!" Biases often lead to aggressive words or actions as a way to settle disputes or anger-provoking situations. However, aggression never solves anything.

The next time you feel provoked, see whether you can identify your biases. Challenge them. They're usually irrational.

Anger and Impulsivity

When we think of impulsive behavior, we often think of adolescents. Teens tend to be more impulsive than adults. However, there are also adults who act impulsively -- who act before they think. They don't give themselves a chance to refocus their angry energy into a productive resolution; they allow themselves to react in anger before thinking that the other person may have had good reason to do or say what they did. An impulsive individual cannot let go of anger-provoking situations. He or she rarely gives another person the benefit of the doubt.

If you tend to be impulsive, find ways to manage your emotions rather than acting them out. Manage your anger instead of exploding. An angry explosion is like the steam that escapes from a pressure cooker when it comes to full pressure. See if you can begin to "think it out" rather than "acting it out."

Anger Traps

            No one intentionally wants to get caught in a trap. It happens by accident, and once you’re in it, you need either to use a key or to understand the mechanism involved so that you can navigate your way out of it. The same holds true for anger traps. You don’t see them coming. Anger traps most often occur when you think a person should act in a certain way but doesn’t. You get caught in the trap and it takes a lot of effort to get out of it.

            There are five common anger traps:

·        Entitlement. The belief underlying entitlement is that you should get something just because you want it. You say things like, “They should appreciate my work.” Actually, aside from the fundamental rights that are afforded to us by the U.S. Constitution, you are not entitled to anything.

·        Fairness. If you believe that things should be fair, you’ll get caught in the anger trap over and over. Life is not fair.

·        Self-Righteousness. You are not always right, and you don’t always have to have the last word. If you find yourself often saying, “No, it’s not that way, it’s….” your judgmental approach will trap you.

·        Conditional Assumptions. When you say, “If you cared about me, you would….” or “ If he were really my friend, he’d….” your assumption that their behavior reflects the way they feel about you will catch you every time.

·        Control. When you try to control everything and everyone around you, you will frequently feel frustrated and angry.

When you get caught in one of these traps, you really believe that you are justified for getting angry, and it’s difficult to see a situation from any perspective other than your own. It’s helpful to have a trusted friend who will first listen and empathize with how you feel but then help you out of the trap.

Anger Is Based on Your Belief System

You might think that your angry emotional and behavioral responses are caused by external events. This is not the case. Actually, your responses are filtered through and driven by your belief system, which is generally very complicated.

Your belief system builds on what we call a "ladder of inference," which is designed like this:

ACTIONS based on your beliefs

BELIEFS you adopt

CONCLUSIONS you draw

ASSUMPTIONS based on the MEANINGS OR INTERPRETATIONS

MEANINGS OR INTERPRETATIONS you add

DATA you select

ALL INFORMATION IN THE WORLD

This ladder makes sense if you read these rungs from the bottom up. As soon as you experience something, you very quickly climb this ladder. You select data, attach meanings or interpretations, make assumptions, draw conclusions, adopt beliefs and act without even thinking about it. When this dynamic happens in interpersonal relationships, with both you and the other person running up your respective ladders of inference, it can lead to conflict that can quickly escalate.

The better able you are to slow the process down -- to stop on any of the rungs and consider other ways of viewing the experience -- the better able you will be to find solutions to the problem at hand. 

Anger Cycles

Anger can be triggered in one of two ways:

• Cycle 1: This cycle starts with an incident or stressor that generates Trigger Thoughts. These Trigger Thoughts often involve something that we've taken out of context. The Trigger Thoughts make you angry. Your anger leads to more Trigger Thoughts. You get angrier. And so the cycle continues, on and on and on. As long as you continue to think Trigger Thoughts, your anger will escalate. For example, suppose a friend stands you up for a lunch date. As you sit in the restaurant, you think about other times in the past when this friend has let you down (Trigger Thoughts). You feel hurt and angry, and you think of even more ways in which you've been disappointed by this friend (Trigger Thoughts). You feel more hurt and more angry....and so on and so on.
• Cycle 2: This cycle can begin any time, any place. You're sitting minding your own business, and suddenly a Trigger Thought pops into your head. Nothing in particular has occurred to give you this thought, but it's there nonetheless. The Trigger Thought makes you stressed and angry, and you get more Trigger Thoughts. You get more stressed and even angrier. Again, the cycle is self perpetuating. Here's an example of Cycle 2: You wonder whether your partner will work late at the office again tonight. You've spent the past two evenings at home alone, watching TV. You imagine yourself doing the same tonight, and anticipate feeling lonely. Your loneliness creates stress, and the stress leads to anger. You begin to think, "He/She doesn't care about how I feel." More hurt, loneliness, anger. More Trigger Thoughts. Before you know it, you've worked yourself into a stew, and it all started with one Trigger Thought. 

In either of these examples, because your anger has been swept up into a cycle, when you finally do see your friend or your partner you will most likely lash out at him/her or give them the "silent treatment." Instead, when you're angry, see if you can identify which cycle you're in. Challenge your Trigger Thoughts. Interrupt the cycle. If you can do that, you will avoid the escalation of your anger, and improve your ability to address the situation in a more productive way, without damaging a relationship.

Anger Is Triggered by Loss

The universal trigger for anger is loss. It does not matter whether the loss is real or perceived. Your perception alone plays a major role in the way you respond to people and events. If you see someone or something as a threat to you or to something you want to accomplish, you are likely to feel angry. What's interesting is that each of us has our own perception of things -- our own lens through which we view the world. Have you ever reacted to an event, only to be told by another person that you were overreacting? It's because they perceived the event differently than you. Have you ever seen another person blow a slightly irritating incident out of proportion? Again, it's because they perceived the event differently than you.

The next time you seem to have a different reaction to an event from the people around you, stop and think about how you're perceiving the situation. Is your thinking rigid? Is it biased in some way -- based on culture, race, gender, religion, and so on? It may be possible to shift your thinking so that the person or event feels like less of a threat. If you can do that, your response to the situation may be less intense.

Anger Can Be Biochemical

Anger can be triggered by the state your body is in. This is because when you experience certain states your body experiences a "hormonal bath." Which of these states might you be experiencing today in terms of your physical well-being that might be contributing to your anger:

• Fatigue
• Sleep Deprivation
• Pain
• Hangovers

When you experience any of these four, your threshold for how much you can tolerate is much lower than it might otherwise be. This means that you will react much more quickly to an anger-provoking situation than you would if you were not tired, sleep deprived, in pain, or suffering from a hangover.

There are two more bodily conditions that can actually lead to aggression:

• Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS)
• Low blood sugar

It's no surprise that PMS is on the list. We know that when a woman is "PMS-ing" her body is awash in hormones. That can affect her tolerance for even the slightest annoyance. If she is prone to PMS, there may not be much a woman can do to avoid it. She can, however, be aware that she is at her "low threshold" and take special care not to respond to annoyances in hurtful ways.

About low blood sugar: Watch your sugar intake! High intakes of sugar will trigger a surge of insulin throughout your body. Not only does the insulin convert the sugar you just consumed, but it can access other sugar in your body and convert that, as well. This leads to lowered blood sugar levels, which results in moodiness, irritability and aggression.

On days when you are experiencing any of these six bodily states, take care of yourself. Do something to pamper yourself to help yourself through that day. Most of all, remind yourself throughout the day that you might be prone to reacting more angrily than usual, and make an effort to think before you speak or act.

Avoiding Harmful Anger Is Healthier for Your Body

Anger can be harmful to your body. A recent report published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology stated that healthy men who are frequently angry and hostile are 19% more likely to develop coronary heart disease. In addition, researchers at Yale University found that frequent anger can also significantly increase the risk of sudden death. There are things you can do to reduce the frequency and intensity of your anger:

1. Figure out what your personal anger triggers are. Write them down to get a clear snese of what often "gets your goat." Spend some time thinking about how you might handle your anger the next time one of these triggers occurs.
2. Don't overindulge in drinking or drugs. When you do, your threshold of tolerance is lowered significantly, and it takes a much shorter period of time for you to become angry over insignificant matters.
3. Exercise. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which helps you to feel calm.

Is Anger Destroying Your Life?

People tend to wait to get help with their anger until they've experienced a crisis: their intimate partner has threatened to leave them, or has already left; their boss has threatened to fire them, or they've already lost their job to anger. Before they're brought to their knees by the crisis, they ignore the warning signs. Although their angry episodes had been getting more frequent, they blamed the people around them for being more annoying. When they blew things out of proportion, they attributed it to being overwhelmed and stressed by daily hassles. They had stopped talking to several friends, but convinced themselves that the friends deserved it because of things they had said or done. Verbal or physical aggression had begun to accelerate, but they told themelves that if the other person had not made them angy they would not have lost control. Finally, they ignored or minimized the comments made by their partner or their boss about their anger problem -- until the crisis occured, and they realized they needed help.

If you see your behavior reflected in any of these signs of problem anger, get help before you reach a crisis. Start to listen to the people closest to you when they tell you that you have a problem, or that your behavior is hurtful. Begin to keep an anger log, and see whether you can notice any common threads running through your incidents of anger. Stop blaming others for "making" you angry, and begin to take responsibility for your behavior when you become angry. Find a good anger management book, and commit to reading it and following its suggestions. If that doesn't work, find a professional who specializes in anger management. If you wait too long, the damage to your relationships and your life may be irreparable.

Anger Journaling

One effective way to become aware of your anger triggers is to keep a daily anger log. At the end of each day, write down the answers to the following questions:

• Did I feel angry today?
• What was the situation, and who was there?
• What thoughts were going through my mind when the situation occurred?
• How intense was my anger, on a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being very low, and 10 being very high)
• What could I have done differently?
• How did my response affect me and the people around me?
• Did my response lead to resentment and damaged relationships?
• Did I apply problem-solving and communicate in a non-hurtful way?
• If my response was destructive, what would help me to manage my anger better in the future?

Then, at the end of each week, take a look at the logs you kept each day and look for common threads -- what were your most frequent anger triggers? What skills did you use? Were these skills effective? Can you identify any specific areas of improvement over last week?

Writing down your thoughts in this way will help you to clarify where you seem to run into trouble in terms of your anger. Once you are aware of where your trouble spots are, you are better equipped to change your reponse to anger.

Anger Assessment

Sometimes it's difficult for people to come to the realization that they have an anger problem. Part of the difficulty is just not knowing how to assess their own anger objectively. If they look at their anger subjectively they can always come up with justifications and excuses for their behavior.

If you'd like to take an objective look at your behavior, thoughtfully writing down answers to the following questions may help you to become aware of the problem areas:

One example of an angry episode in the past month was....

Looking at the episode as if in slow motion:

• How did it start?
• How was I feeing?
• What happened next?
• Was I feeling anything noticeable in my body?
• What was I thinking?
• What did I do then?
• How was my body feeling when I did that?
• What was I saying to myself at the time?
• What did I do next?
• How did my body feel?
• What were my thoughts?
• How did it end?
• At the end of the episode, did I feel satisfied with how I handled it?

What happens most often when I get angry?

• Are there things that escalate my anger?
• Are there things that help me to calm down?
• Which happens more often: escalation, or being able to calm myself down?

Have other people told me that I have an anger problem?

*****

If you're not happy with the answers you wrote down, then it's time to seek help with your anger.

Anger Can Come Out Sideways

Suppressing anger doesn't do anything to lessen it. In fact, because anger is energy, suppressing it is almost certain to intensify it. You may be unable or unwilling to express how you actually feel in a given situation. Instead, you become angry at the first person you see -- perhaps your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or kids. This displaced anger is anger that "comes out sideways." If you consistently suppress your anger and never deal directly with its source, you will develop the habit of shifting it to another target. When you misdirect your anger and allow it to come out indirectly at the innocent bystanders around you, you will undoubtedly hurt and anger them. Now both of you are angry at the same time. This is fertile ground for a situation to grow out of proportion to the circumstances.

Emotions Follow Thoughts II

When you become angry, it's because your thoughts have triggered your anger. Everyone has their own set of personal trigger thoughts that can easily set them off. Notice the dominant role played by your trigger thoughts, regardless of which of the following cycles is engaged:

One cycle begins when either an event occurs or a stressor develops. The event or stressor leads to a trigger thought. The trigger thought makes you angry. You get another trigger thought. You get angrier. You might have another trigger thought, and you get still angrier. The cycle feeds on itself, and your thoughts continue to fuel your anger. Suppose you've made a date to meet a friend for lunch, and your friend doesn't show up. You sit in the restaurant thinking about how this isn't the first time this friend has stood you up. This triggers your anger. You remember another time when this friend had let you down. You get angrier. How will you respond if your friend arrives or calls at this point?

The other cycle begins when you're minding your own business and suddenly a trigger thought pops into your head. The thought makes you angry. You get another trigger thought that makes you angrier...and so on. In this cycle, nothing in particular has happened to trigger your thought, but it's there nonetheless. Here's an example: Evening is approaching and you wonder whether your significant other will have to work late again. You think about how you've spent the past two evenings watching TV alone. You blame your partner for your loneliness. Your thoughts make you angry. You have the further thought that your partner doesn't really care about being at home with you. You get angier. How might you react when your partner finally walks through the door?

If you recognize that you are going around and around in either of these cycles, imagine yourself stepping out of the cycle and looking at the situation with an objective eye. You'll probably realize that in fact your friend has been there for you many times in the past, or that actually your partner has no choice but to finish that project at work.

Five Tips for Expressing Your Anger

OK, so you've heard that anger is a natural emotion, and that it's good to express it in a healthy way. Here are some tips to ensure that your expressions of anger are healthy ones:

1. Allow yourself to feel angry, but before you utter a word or take any action observe how you are feeling in your body, what you are feeling emotionally (that is, what feelings are under your anger) and what you are thinking.
2. Take responsibility for your contribution to the situation. Don't blame it all on the other person.
3. Avoid venting unproductively or ruminating about what triggered your anger. Doing either of these will only fuel your anger, causing it to intensify.
4. See if you can figure out a healthy resolution to the issue at hand. Ask yourself what needs to change in order for you to feel better. What specifically can you ask of the other person(s)? Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
5. When you arrive at a chosen response, consider the impact it may have on others and on your ongoing relationships with them.

If you believe that your response will be more helpful than harmful, then you're ready to speak or act. If not, you've got some more thinking to do before you respond!

Emotions Follow Thoughts

Whatever uncomfortable feeling you may be experiencing -- anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt, rejection -- telling yourself not to feel that way won't help at all. Tell yourself not to feel hurt, and you'll continue to feel hurt. Tell yourself not to feel rejected, and you'll continue to feel rejected.

The key to changing your feelings is to change your thoughts about a particular situation. When your thoughts change, your feelings will shift. For example, suppose a friend declines an invitation to go somewhere with you, and you feel hurt and rejected. Take a look at the thoughts that are causing you to feel that way. Perhaps you're telling yourself, "If she were really my friend, she'd go with me no matter what" or "I guess she thinks that doing things with other people is more important than spending time with me." These are irrational thoughts that you've concocted in your mind. If you challenge these irrational thoughts with thoughts like, "Next time I'll give her more notice when I want her to go somewhere with me," your hurt and rejection will most likely fade. You'll feel more confident and in control because you've developed a plan of action for the future.

Fear of Anger

Both men and women can be equally fearful of expressing angry feelings. If you are hesitant to express your anger, you may be afraid of what may happen if these feelings somehow get out. You may fear that the other person will criticize or disapprove of your anger. If you don't know how to ask for what you want, it can be frightening even to try. You wind up feeling confused, because anger and fear are incompatible. Why? Because the purpose of fear is to alert you to danger. Fear of anger would send the alert that anger is dangerous. There are two responses to fear: fight or flight. Therefore, if anger is perceived as dangerous, you would either fight it (by resisting it) or flee it (by avoiding it).

Anger is a tool that signals that something needs to change. It helps you to rally the strength needed to take action. If you are fighting or fleeing the tool that is supposed to be helping yuou, you lose the ability to use the tool effectively and derive benefit from its use. Fearing anger, or believing that it has no place in a work or personal relationship, sabotages that relationship. When people work hard to maintain "niceness," they never learn how to communicate their uncomfortable feelings. To avoid confrontation they stop talking and withdraw physically and emotionally from the person they're in conflict with. Sometimes people take satisfaction in the fact that they never display angry feelings toward anyone. They never get to experience the benefits of expressing anger in an effective, non-harmful way.

Get Angry -- It's OK!

Some people are uncomfortable with the emotion of anger. Not only do they ignore or deny their own angry feelings, but they try to ignore and deny the angry feelings of others, as well. They believe that all anger is bad, and that people should strive not ever to be angry. Sometimes this belief is rooted in a person's religious background. Sometimes it's the result of a person's very bad experiences with anger in the past. If a person has never experienced healthy, not hurtful, expressions of anger by others, it would be difficult for them to imagine that anger can be anything but harmful and bad.

Another misguided message about anger is that it's "not nice." Many women heard this when they were growing up. Recall the rhyme that starts, "Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice." As a result, they learned to suppress their anger and other uncomfortable feelings in an effort to be likable. Some women (and some men) reach adulthood totally out of touch with their feelings because for so long they have been denying that certain feelings exist.

When anger is not accepted as a normal, healthy emotion, it's easy for people to reach the conclusion that there's something wrong with them if they get angry. This is far from the truth. Actually, there may be something wrong if a person never gets angry. What we need to monitor is not whether we become angry, but rather what we do or say when we become angry.

Anger Can Be Useful

Anger is useful when it serves as warning that something's just not sitting right with you. You may be facing a situation where it's necesary to set boundaries to prevent another person from taking advantage of you. You may need to set limits on how much you are able to do to help someone, because you're feeling depleted yourself. Whatever the source, your anger can strengthen you so that you are able to assert yourself or face an upcoming conflict.

Once you receive an anger alert, stop and pay attention to it. Identify what exactly has triggered your anger. What exactly is the issue? Think about how you might be able to address the issue rather than allowing your anger to get out of control. Taking time to think can help you to resolve the problem or situation more rationally and more effectively.

Anger Can Be Triggered by Beliefs and Expectations

Your perception of the people and events around you affect how you respond when you feel angry. Think of your perception as the lens or filter through which you view the world. Perceptions, in turn, create beliefs. For example, suppose your supervisor, Tom, is preventing you from doing something the way you want to do it. Your perception is that Tom's way is less efficient. This leads you to believe that he is wasteful. In the past you have felt slightly irritated with his approach to problem solving. Now, however, you might overreact the next time his course of action is less than the utmost in efficiency. Your belief that Tom is wasteful has set you up to overreact.

Expectations are also set ups for anger. For example, if you throw a huge birthday party for a friend, you might expect that when your birthday comes around your friend will reciprocate. Instead, your birthday comes and your friend merely sends you a card and a gift. Why do you feel enraged? After all, your friend did remember your birthday and was thoughtful enough to acknowledge it. Normally you would have felt appreciative. Instead, when your expectation was not met your anger was triggered.

When you feel angry, observe how you might be viewing a person or event. Awareness of your triggers can help you to regain a more balanced perspective of a situation and enable you to keep an angry response in check.

Temper: When You Lose It, You Lose a Lot More

Losing your temper may feel like a release in the moment, but in the long run there's a lot more at stake. In addition to damaging your body, chronic uncontrolled anger damages your relationships and your quality of life. When you think about what triggers your out-of-control anger, you'll probably find that your triggers are people or situations that you are trying to control in order to get something you need or want. Because you cannot control what another person says or does, and often cannot control the outcome of certain situations, you are wasting energy that will eventually run out. When this happens, you feel even more frustrated. At the same time, you push your family and friends away, because no one likes to be controlled. When you push people away, they're not inclined to listen to you or to give you what you need or want.

The next time you feel like exploding in anger, stop and ask yourself who or what you're trying to control. See if you can avoid playing the role of a Controller and instead find a way to ask directly for what it is you need or want. By doing this you may gain a lot more than you would otherwise lose.

Angry Feelings Are Natural; Anger Behavior is Learned

Many people reach adulthood without ever learning how to respond to anger in a healthy way. Kids tend to imitate their parents. If parents express anger in hurtful ways or fail to express it at all, their children will follow their example. In some families, adults unexpectedly react angrily over seemingly minor situations. In others, people frequently snap at each other with impatience. In still others, anger is pent up, leaving each person to simmer and act moody, dwelling privately on bad feelings and resentment. Finally, there are those families who deny anger because they believe they "shouldn't" ever be angry. However a family chooses to deal with anger will have a significant impact on the children. How the children learn to react to anger and experience it early in their development will affect how they will react to anger and experience it later on as adults.

The good news is that behaviors that have been learned can be unlearned, and new behaviors can take their place. It takes a willingness to observe yourself, a clear idea of how you would like to do things differently, conscious effort to change your behavior, and the ability to be patient with yourself when you fall back into old patterns.

Angry? Will a Punching Bag Help or Hurt?

People tend to think that one way to release their anger is by punching a pillow, a punching bag, or taking it out in some other way on an object. The belief is that this kind of behavior is cathartic, and that it will help a person to empty themselves of anger. Actually, the opposite occurs. Physical aggression ratchets a situation up rather than serving as a release. Watch any group of kids who play aggressively. You'll notice that the longer they play the more aggressive they become.

If you resort to aggressive behavior in response to anger-provoking situations, you are reinforcing an association between anger and aggression. Physical venting may feel good in the short term, but in the long run it doesn't help you to manage the anger-provoking situation, and can cause it to become worse, because your anger escalates.

Fight or Flight and Violence

Nearly every day we hear stories in the news about people whose livelihood or significant relationship has been threatened, and who have resorted to violence as a result of the threat. When a person is facing a change in life as they knew it, most often the emotions that arise are anger and an underlying fear. Thoughts like these run rampant through the individual's mind, triggering their fight-or-flight response: "I'll never get another job, and I'll end up homeless" or "No one else will ever want to be with me, and I'll end up lonely and dying alone." The anger and fear that accompany these thoughts can grip a person so tightly that they can't think through to a rational solution.

In the meantime, his or her body is surging with hormones, prepared to fight and defend. Unfortunately, this is the type of situation that all too often leads to violence. If you find yourself overcome with anger and fear over the loss or threatened loss of a job or a loved one, seek the support of someone you can talk with and who will listen to your feelings without judging. Don't let your fight-or-flight response determine the ultimate outcome of the situation.

Angry Supervisors -- How to Respond to Them

Suppose it's an extremely busy day at work. You've got a pile of paperwork to process, or a long list of customers to contact or visit, or many service calls to make, or a huge project to tackle. You're going about your day, trying to get as much as possible accomplished and to do a good job at it. Suddenly your supervisor approaches you with a scowl on his or her face, pointing out that an error had been made the previous day which created all sorts of problems for many people, and blaming you for having made the error. Your supervisor shouts, "This isn't a kindergarten! Stop playing around and do your work the way you're supposed to do it!" Several of your co-workers are standing around, watching this scene. You know that the error wasn't yours, because it involved a piece of work that a co-worker had performed. You feel angry over having been accused of something you didn't do, humiliated over having been dressed down in the open work space, disrespected because you have been a loyal employee who always tries to do your best, and disappointed that the co-worker responsible for the error is standing close by witnessing this episode but not owning up to it. What do you do?

Let's look at your options:

1. Shouting back at your supervisor that it wasn't your error.
2. Remaining silent, but slamming things around to show your anger.
3. Apologizing to your supervisor just to keep the peace and hoping the incident will blow over quickly.
4. Looking your supervisor in the eye (respectfully), acknowledging that an error had been made, and stating that you will do whatever is necessary to correct the problem.

Option 1 might cost you your job or a negative notation in your personnel file. Option 2 will perpetuate your supervisor's current impression that your behavior is childish. If you follow Option 3, you will ignore your own feelings about the situation, running the risk that they will "come out sideways" some time in the future.

Your best bet is Option 4, because it will not fuel your supervisor's current anger and it leaves the door open for you to express your feelings about the situation later. When things have cooled down, you will be able to speak with your supervisor privately, empathize with his or her anger over the error, and express your surprise over having been blamed because the error wasn't yours. If you do this respectfully, you can set the record straight and maybe even get an apology from the boss! It's even possible that in the future your supervisor will think twice about how to handle situations in which errors are discovered.

Healthy Anger -- How to Recognize It

To determine whether your anger is healthy or destructive, ask yourself these questions:

• When I feel angry, how angry do I get -- do I get out of control, not thinking about what I am saying or doing? Or do I step back for a moment and think about what I want to say and what I want to do?
• What kinds of situations most often make me angry -- am I aware of my personal anger triggers, or do I "fly off the handle" in a wide variety of situations?
• How do I and the people around me feel after I've expressed anger -- do I feel guilty or remorseful for the way I handled the situation, and do the people around me feel hurt or offended?

If you get out of control, fly off the handle, and feel guilt or remorse when the angry incident has passed, your anger is unhealthy, and it's time to change your unhealthy reaction to anger before it progresses.

Healthy anger feels very different. You know your anger is healthy when you are able to:

• Feel your anger
• Take a step back to explore its source
• Think about whether it's worth addressing and, if so,
• Use "I messages" to express how you're feeling and
• Respectfully state what changes you would like to see in the other person's behavior or in the situation.

You come away from a healthy expression of anger feeling satisfied that you handled it well. Because you have not hurt or offended those around you, they are better able to respond to your feelings and work with you to reach a resolution.

Passive Aggressive -- Does the Shoe Fit?

You may find that you neither act aggressively nor express your anger directly. If so, you may be acting passive aggressively. In passive-aggressive behavior, a person tries to appear to agree with the wishes or demands of others but, in fact, passively defies them. This passive defiance is a form of aggression, hence the term passive aggression.

People can become extremely skilled at expressing anger in this way. They may be hurt, but they don't ever talk about their hurt. Instead, they focus on everything that's wrong with the situation, the other person or the relationship, still remaining silent about their feelings. Because they do not express straightforwardly how they feel, they never get what they really need -- another person to acknowledge what they are feeling.

Sometimes people become passive-aggressive because they fear others' reactions to their direct expressions of anger and they want to "keep the peace." Time and time again they keep their disappointments, irritations, frustrations and stress to themselves. Eventually they begin to pout, criticize or stonewall the people around them -- typical passive aggressive behaviors. If this sounds like you, keep in mind that, while you may avoid direct confrontation in the present, in the long run passive aggression can ruin a relationship.

The Difference Between a Feeling and a Thought

When I ask a client how he or she felt in a particular situation, there are two words that signal to me that the client is expressing a thought rather than a feeling. Using the word "like" or "that" immediately after the word "feel" is not an expression of a feeling. It is a thought. For example, "I feel like you're not understanding me" and "I feel that you don't understand me" are thoughts. Thoughts often contain judgments. Before you know it, you'll be arguing about whether or not the other person understands you. "I feel misunderstood" is a feeling statement. Notice that when you open by expressing a feeling you don't use the dreaded "you" word. You are not accusing the other person of misunderstanding you; you are merely stating how you feel. Consequently, the other person is more likely to remain open to what you are saying and to respond to your feeling rather than becoming defensive. It's a subtle difference, but it could change the entire tone of your conversation.

Perception: Real or Imagined?

Anger is triggered by a person's perception of an event or a situation. It does not matter whether the perception is accurate or distorted. All that's needed is the perception -- the lens or filter that you look through. Have you ever gotten upset over someone or something, only to be asked, "What are you so upset about? It's not such a big deal!" In those situations, your perception of the situation was different from that of the other person. Likewise, there are probably times when another person has been upset, and you could not understand why he or she was so bothered. It's all in a person's perception.

When you look at life through a rigid or a biased lens, it is difficult to entertain the idea that another person sees things differently from you. You tend to believe that your perception is the real, accurate one and that the other person's is wrong. Such is the basis for many arguments between partners, friends, and family members. The next time someone sees something in a different light from the way you see it, accept that their perception is different. Agree to disagree. Let there be room in your relationships for two opposing points of view.

Unless you're dealing with a life-or-death situation in which the outcome will really make a difference ten years from now, it doesn't really matter whether a perception is real or imagined.

Anger in Small Business

Large corporations usually have someone in a Human Resource Department who handles problems such as employees who regularly lose their temper with co-workers or supervisors. The employee might be summoned to the Human Resource office, much like an insubordinate student is sent to the principal's office. Once Human Resources takes over, the handling of the situation is out of the hands of the immediate supervisor. If a company has an Employee Assistance Program in place, the employee might be required to attend anger management sessions or classes.

When an employee in a small business exhibits angry or hostile behavior, the situation is more likely to pose a threat to the company's productivity on at least two levels. First, the work space in a small business tends to be more confined, with employees working in closer proximity to each other. They can hear and see exactly what transpires. They can feel the tension in the air, resulting in anxiety and apprehension over what will happen next. Attention is diverted frm performing their assigned tasks to listening and watching the angry episode. Secondly, as a result of all this, less work gets done. Perhaps fewer clients or customers get called back, fewer orders get processed, or fewer items get produced. So, both employee satisfaction and the company's profits for the day are lower than they might have been in the absence of the episode.

While small business owners protect their businesses against losses of all kinds, anger in a small workplace can generate hidden losses in the form of employee morale and the company's bottom line. What's your small business' plan for handling hostile situations?

Harmful Anger Can Ruin Your Health

Anger is a normal human emotion. However, it's important to make a distinction between healthy anger and harmful anger. Healthy anger enables you to respond assertively rather than aggressively. It also helps you to set boundaries and limits when others make inappropriate demands on you. Fiinally, when you express anger in a healthy way you are better able to solve problems and resolve conflicts.

Unhealthy, harmful anger is another story. Besides damaging relationships and your own mental health, it takes a toll on your overall physical health. Of all the emotions, unhealthy anger results in the highest heart rate and blood pressure levels. It affects your gastrointestinal organs, causing ulcers and colitis. Your immune system becomes depleted, which exposes you to other illnesses.

Pay attention to your body's signs when you become angry. Become familiar with your own personal physical reactions. Remind yourself to breathe. Notice which muscles feel tight. Tense them and relax them several times until the tightness loosens up. If you address a situaion with a more relaxed posture, you are more likely to respond less aggressively and more productively.

A Little Empathy Goes a Long Way

When you have empathy, you are able to put yourself in another person's shoes and view a situation from the other person's perspective. The first step in acquiring empathy is to listen actively. This means that not only are you hearing the words the other person is saying, but you are listening so closely that you are able to paraphrase back what you think the other person said -- without adding your own spin or advice. This is easier said than done. Too often when we "listen" to another person our mind is already forming a response or creating a solution for the other person's problem.

Try this as an exercise with a friend: Ask a friend to talk to you about a problem he or she is struggling with, or an issue that concerns him or her. Your task? Just listen to the words. Then, use your own words to paraphrase back what you think you heard. The next step is to put yourself in your friend's shoes and imagine what feelings your friend is experiencing. Once you think you've identified the feelings say, "I imagine that makes you feel __________." Your friend then gets to confirm or correct what you imagined. Were you right on the mark, way out on third base, or somewhere in between?

Empathy in the form of active listening can help to defuse an angry situation. Rather than adding to the other person's anger by interjecting your own thoughts and feelings, step back and really listen to what the other person is saying. If you feel the need to defend yourself or bring up a counterpoint, hold it. If you empathize effectively first, the other person is more likely to listen to your thoughts and feelings later.

Get Rid of Those "Shoulds"

I challenge you to keep track, for one day, of how many times you use the word "should." Also notice how you feel after you make a "should" statement. Does it make you feel better about what you're currently doing, or worse? When frequent "shoulds" dominate your thoughts, you are likely to feel stressed and frustrated by the end of the day, as though you had a loud inner critic sitting on your shoulder all day, ignoring what you did accomplish and pointing out only what you did not achieve. That's enough to make a person angry!

When you catch yourself using the word "should," replace it with the words "want to." The entire tone of the sentence changes. My guess is that you'll be more motivated to find a way to do something you "want to" do rather than something you "should" do. For example, if you tell yourself, "I should be making more money at this stage in my life," you're blaming yourself or others for your current situation, and blame leads to anger. Instead, telling yourself, "I want to be making more money at this stage in my life" opens the door for some creative thinking about how you might accomplish that. Changing just one word can change your perspective.

What's Underneath Your Anger?

Anger is a secondary emotion. It sits like an umbrella over other emotions, which are your primary emotions. In fact, if the anger umbrella is large enough, it does such a good job of covering up other emotions that you may never know what they were or why they arose.

Many people are quick to use the anger umbrella because most often the feelings underneath are vulnerable ones -- sadness, hurt, disappointment. It can be difficult to express these feelings because if we risk expressing them we feel as though we are exposing our soft underbelly. So, instead we cover them up (consciously or unconsciously) and express our anger, which feels more powerful and gives us a sense of control.

Covering up the vulnerable feelings is problematic. First, the feelings that really need expressing are shoved further down inside and never get expressed. Actually, what we need when we feel vulnerable is to be able to say how we feel and why we feel that way. Secondly, when people bury feelings too deeply and for too long a time, there's a risk that they will detach from their own feelings and lose awareness of them. Then, all that they have left is their secondary anger.

Is Your Anger Damaging Your Heart?

Recent research has shown that heart patients who harbor angry memories may be at risk for an irregular heartbeat that can be life threatening. While we have known for some time that chronic hostility and depression can lead to heart disease, this most recent study adds another piece to the puzzle. Certain heart patients show a particular spike in their EKGs while merely recalling an event that made them angry. These patients are more likely to experience arrhythmias (irregular heartbeats). The jury is still out as to whether angry memories can lead to arrhythimias in people with healthy hearts.

If you find yourself ruminating over anger-provoking situations that happened in the past, it's time to let them go -- for your own sake. You might try using some healthy self-talk:

• "Just breathe through it."
• "What will I miss out on if I continue to let this upset me?"
• "Is it really worth ruining my health over it?"
• "Will the incident matter to anyone ten years from now?"

There's a part of you that's hurt and angry. There's another part of you that can help you get beyond the upsetting situation. That's the part to listen to!

Stress and Anger in the Workplace

If you've ever worked in a stressful environment, you know how easy it can be for people to let loose with their anger. It doesn't matter whether the stress is due to the nature of the work, the inability of certain employees to perform satisfactorily, the failure of employees to get along with each other, or the tendency of some to bring stressors from their personal life into the workplace. Whatever its source, once the stress is in the workplace it needs to be addressed. Managers who choose to ignore symptoms of stress and anger and allow them to continue to build up are, in effect, lighting a stick of dynamite and waiting to see how long it will take to blow up. Some sticks are slower burning than others, but if nothing is done to change a situation it will ultimately explode.

Once they are made aware of workplace stress in their areas of responsibility, managers would do well to consider the following:

• What is the source of the stress -- is it related to the work itself or to the people performing the work?
• What triggers seem to provoke the stress?
• Can we apply problem-solving or conflict management skills in this situation?
• If the stress cannot be eliminated or even reduced, what stress management skills might we teach the employees?

When managers are more aware of employees' stress levels and take steps to address them, they are more likely to receive greater cooperation and higher performance in return.

Wanting It Now

We've all witnessed the familiar scene in a mall, a supermarket, and especially in toy stores: a parent trying to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum because he or she has seen something that they want NOW. The child cries, screams, possibly rolls on the floor. The parent applies every technique he or she can think of to curtail the acting out and subdue the child. Sometimes a parent is lucky, and hits on just the right strategy to enable the shopping trip to continue. Other times a parent must carry the child, kicking and screaming, outdoors and into the car. Shopping trip aborted. Unfortunately, there are also times when a parent gives in just for the sake of sanity.

When adults' anger is caused by a loss or disappointment, adults can become like this tantrumming child. They know what they want, they know how things should be, or they know what another person was supposed to do or say but didn't. Those expectations of others will get us every time. Of course, most people agree that they can't make another person do anything that they don't want to do. They know that on a rational level. However, on an emotional level the feeling of helplessness over not being able to get one's way can lead to anger and an adult-sized tantrum.

When You Can't Accept Your Own Anger

People who consider anger as "bad" tend to ignore it in others and suppress it within themselves. To them, it's an "unacceptable" emotion that they wish would disappear -- fast. However, their inability to accept angry feelings usually leads to larger problems than if they had initially dealt with them.

To begin with, suppressing anger over a long period of time can lead to all kinds of physical illnesses: ulcers, heart disease, gastrointestinal disorders, and immune system dysfunction. In addition, hidden anger plays havoc with a person's emotional well-being. When an individual doesn't talk about his or her real feelings and pretends that everything is fine when it really isn't, that person is living a pseudo-life rather than a genuine life. An important part of being human gets disected from the person's normal range of emotions, leaving the person with only a partial range of emotions. This is bound to have an effect on relationships and the quality of a person's life.

Modern-Day Fight or Flight

Back in prehistoric times, the hunters among the earliest human species frequently experienced their inborn "fight or flight" response. When they were armed with their primitive weapons and faced the likes of a mastodon or wooly mammoth, the amygdala section of their brains triggered a reaction that pumped adrenaline and stress hormones into their bloodstream. This energized them to either run away or stand their ground. If they fled they were more likely to live longer. However, if they stood and fought they could possibly return home with prized meat and animal pelts.

Modern humans no longer need to rely on their fight or flight response to obtain fresh food -- with the exception, perhaps, of navigating the parking lot of the supermarket around the holidays. Nevertheless, we are each still equipped with an amygdala in our brains which continues to perform the same function that it did tens of thousands of years ago -- only now, the mastodons and wooly mammoths in our lives are modern day people, issues and situations. The amygdala goes to work when we feel certain emotions, one of which is anger.

Owning Your Angry Responses

One of the most important components of anger management is accountability. You may say, "He made me so mad!" or "She did that because she wanted to get me riled up." It may be true that he said or did something that triggered your anger, but you made the decision about how to respond. It may be true (or not true) that she wanted to get your goat, but it was your perception of her and the situation that triggered your anger, and subsequently you chose to respond in the way that you did. Taking responsibility for your responses and their consequences creates a filter between what you are feeling and thinking and what you say or do. If you frequently feel regret or remorse over your words or behavior after an angry exchange, think about your most recent experience with anger. At what point did you relinquish responsibility for your actions and put all the blame on the other person?

Signs That Your Anger May Be Brewing

Although it may seem as though anger arises and gets out of control in a flash, actually anger is the end result of a process that takes place within you. Unless you begin to pay attention to certain signs, you can be completely oblivious that this process is occurring -- until you explode in anger. Here are a few indicators to watch for:

1. Physical: increased heart rate and/or breathing; muscle tension. If you notice that your muscles are tense, rather than trying to ignore it and carry on with what you're doing, take a moment to be curious about it. Did someone just say or do something that bothered you? Did an event just occur that upset you?
2. Emotional: afraid, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, rejected, sad, stressed. There's usually a feeling under your anger. See if you can identify it and express it instead of the anger.
3. Thoughts: blaming, ignoring positives, jumping to conclusions, over-generalizing. Check out what's going through your mind. Sometimes your anger isn't triggered by an external event, but by your own thoughts.

Identifying these signs takes practice in self-awareness. But, the earlier you are able to notice what's going on within, the better able you will be to address an issue or a situation before you go to full-blown anger over it.

Engage a Self-Check Before Engaging Angry Words

When our anger is provoked, our first tendency may be to "let the other person have it -- but good!" While it may feel good in the moment to do this, in the long run it can ruin relationships and cause costly and unnecessary problems. Before we open our mouths, it's a good idea to step back and ask ourselves a few questions that may help us to put the situation into perspective:

• What exactly am I angry about?
• What did the other person do or not do that provoked me? (Focus on the other person's behavior, not the other person's motives for doing or not doing something. Believe me, if you ascribe motives you'll only get angrier, and your assumptions may not be valid!)
• Do I have the right to be angry about this? (If you're honest with yourself, you'll see that sometimes your anger-povoking thoughts are justified, and sometimes they're just not.)
• If my thoughts are justified, how can I express my feelings firmly but in a way that won't deeply hurt the other person?

The Upside of Anger

The Upside of Anger is not only the title of a 2005 film starring Kevin Costner and Joan Allen. It is actually something that you can experience in your life on a regular basis. Surely anger has its downside -- but, to paraphrase from ancient Asian wisdom, the front is as big as the back. There's a yin and a yang to anger -- a light side and a shadow side. When we manage our anger appropriately, it serves as a useful tool, signaling to us that something is not quite right. You're probably familiar with that feeling in your gut when something doesn't sit well with you. It usually precedes anger. You might decide to ignore it, but it doesn't really go away. The person, situation, or issue is still there, nagging away at you. The next time this happens to you, pay attention to the signal. Ask yourself what's bothering you. Then ask yourself whether your angry thoughts are justified. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they're not. If you decide that you have a reason to be angry, find a way to calmly express what you are feeling. Let someone know what behavior or what situation is troubling you. Tell them specifically what behavior you would pefer, or how you would like the situation to be different. If you allow yourself to take advantage of this upside of anger, you may be pleasantly surprised at how often others will respond in a positive way.

Anger Is Like a Power Tool

Let's talk about power tools for a moment. Power tools can be dangerous, but when we use them in the right way, in the right situations, they are very useful. A power drill makes drilling a hole a lot easier. An electric saw saves us from the sweaty job of cutting wood manually. Rather than dismissing these as "too dangerous," we use them, fully aware of their potential to harm, but cautiously enough so that they do not harm us or the people around us.

Anger is the same way. It clearly has the potential to harm us and the people around us, but it does not have to be dangerous. We do not have to avoid it completely. It can be used as a productive tool to help us express what we're feeling, what's troubling us, and what our needs and wants are in any given situation. Use your power tools -- and your anger -- wisely. If you're not sure how to use either, find someone who can show you how!