What's Underneath Your Anger?

Anger is a secondary emotion. It sits like an umbrella over other emotions, which are your primary emotions. In fact, if the anger umbrella is large enough, it does such a good job of covering up other emotions that you may never know what they were or why they arose.

Many people are quick to use the anger umbrella because most often the feelings underneath are vulnerable ones -- sadness, hurt, disappointment. It can be difficult to express these feelings because if we risk expressing them we feel as though we are exposing our soft underbelly. So, instead we cover them up (consciously or unconsciously) and express our anger, which feels more powerful and gives us a sense of control.

Covering up the vulnerable feelings is problematic. First, the feelings that really need expressing are shoved further down inside and never get expressed. Actually, what we need when we feel vulnerable is to be able to say how we feel and why we feel that way. Secondly, when people bury feelings too deeply and for too long a time, there's a risk that they will detach from their own feelings and lose awareness of them. Then, all that they have left is their secondary anger.