Anger Guidelines

Suppose you decide that a situation is worth making an issue over. There are steps you can take to ensure that you address the anger-provoking situation in an assertive but respectful way:

• After you and the other person have both cooled down, approach him/her and ask to schedule a time when you can talk about the situation.
• When you get together to talk, seek first to understand the other person's point of view. Avoid attacking, defending, or interrupting him/her. Avoid trying to determine who's right and who's wrong. Focus instead on what about the situation is important to each of you. Anticipate that the other person's position will be much different from yours (otherwise, you would not have been in conflict), so strive to see the situation through his or her lens. While you may not agree with the other person's perspective, remind yourself that it is as valid as your own.
• Avoid blaming the other person. Focus instead on each person's contribution to the situation in a neutral way. If you can't identify your contribution to the problem, your lack of awareness is your contribution to the problem! Remember, it takes two to tango. Whatever happens between two people is the result of the actions of both people. You can unknowingly contribute to a problem in two ways: by avoiding (going along to get along, complaining to everyone but the person you're angry with, minimizing) or by distancing (acting aloof, judgmental, critical, argumentative, or in any other way that will cause others to want to avoid dealing with you).
• Use "I" statements. Talk about how you felt when the person did or said what they did. Avoid ascribing motives to what they did. You cannot know for sure what the other person intended, and your guessing is most likely based on distorted thinking.
• Focus on getting the real issues out on the table: What is it that you want? What is it that other person wants? How can both of you get at least some of what you each want?

If you approach conflicts in this way, your relationships with family, friends and co-workers will grow stronger rather than deteriorating.

Anger over Little Things

We can't fight every battle. Things may not always go the way we'd like, but it's important to develop the ability to discern when to make an issue over something and when to let it go. I'm not suggesting that you stuff your anger and pretend not to feel it. Allow yourself to feel it, but once you do, consider whether you want to say or do something about the situation. Many times our anger is due to our own irrational thinking. If that's the case, talk yourself down. Consider whether you can give the other person the benefit of doubt, or whether you can cut them some slack. If you can, find a way to let go of the issue.

After thinking the situation through, if you still have a nagging urge to respond, that's your cue to develop a rational action plan for addressing whatever is bothering you. At this point, you're engaging your rational thinking rather than reacting merely from a primitive emotional level. Chances are, your reponse will be calmer, more effectice, and better heard than if you had responded impulsively in the moment.

The Angry Child Within

When we think about times when we've become angry, we can usually recognize our inner child in the scenario. Dr. Paul Hauck, a clinical psychologist, has found that we move through as many as six levels of thought when we become angry. As we look at these levels, it's easy to see how closely related they are to those of a tantrumming child:

1. "I want something." When we get angry, it's because we're not getting something we want. It can be something material in the form of an object, something experiential in the form of an event, or something intangible in the form of another's behavior.

2. "I didn't get what I wanted and I'm frustrated." The fact that we didn't get what we wanted has an effect on the way we feel.

3. "It is awful and terrible not to get what I want." When we dwell on the fact that we didn't get what we wanted, we begin to catastrophize and blow the incident out of proportion.

Let's stop here. At Level 3, we're still rational, but our perception of truth is breaking down. Things are not really as bad as we're thinking they are. Unless we challenge our thoughts at this point and disrupt the process, we will step into the realm of irrationality, where cognitive distortions take over:

4. "You shouldn't frustrate me! I must have my way." We're now disowning our feelings and placing the blame on the other person for the way we're feeling. When we think in terms of "musts," we're setting ourselves up for anger, frustration and resentment.

5. "You're bad for frustrating me." We're thinking in terms of "all or nothing": either the other person is "all good" or "all bad." We're also discounting any positive experiences we may have had with the other person in the past, and attaching a negative label to him or her.

6. "Bad people ought to be punished." This is fertile ground for revenge-seeking. We are ready to extract a pound of flesh for what the other person has done to us.

Try applying these levels to a recent episode in which you became angry. To what level did your anger go? If you entered the irrational realm, how can you avoid going there in the future? 

Anger Styles in Families

Families manage anger in different ways, and often those ways are unhealthy. In fact, rarely do I encounter clients who describe having come from a family that embraced the feeling of anger in a healthy manner.

Some clients recall feeling puzzled over the unpredictable anger of other family members who unexpectedly reacted angrily over seemingly minor situations. In some families people frequently snap at each other with impatience. In other families, anger is pent up, leaving each person to simmer and act moody, dwelling privately on bad feelings and resentment. They may eventually explode by shouting or hitting; other times, they continue to deny the anger.

Families who deny anger usually hold the belief that they "shouldn't" feel angry. They try to sweep it under the rug. The problem with this approach is twofold: First, it affects other family members who don't know whether the prson is angry at them or at someone else, and secondly, it undoubtedly foments into bitterness and ill will.

However a family chooses to deal with anger will have a significant impact on the children. How the children are taught to react to anger and experience it early in their development will affect how they will react to anger and experience it laater on as adults.