Stress Overload Leads to Anger

Living with chronic stress (financial problems, unemployment, a bad relationship), or merely encountering frequent daily hassles, takes a toll on a person's ability to cope. Add to that a major stressor, such as a divorce or a death in the family, and a person is prone to overreact aggressively.

We hear about this type of situation every day in the news. A couple's relationship problems lead to child abuse by one or both parents. Someone's spouse leaves them, or they lose a job, and they go on a shooting spree in the family home or in the workplace. While we can't condone what these individuals do, we can understand what it is that has led to their tragic acts:  Stress.

People whose personalities are predominantly Type A experience stress overload on a continual basis. As a result, they tend to be easily angered. They are ambitious and competitive, which can be positive traits, but on the flip side they can be hostile and aggressive. As in an ancient Eastern saying, "The back is as big as the front." Hostility and aggression are breeding grounds for domestic violence and other harmful behavior.

If you find that you are chronically stressed, or that every day you are faced with a myriad of annoyances, or if you tend to be a "Type A," develop a plan for releasing some of your stress on a daily basis. Make it a priority. At a minimum, take at least 20 minutes each day and make it "Me Time."  

Anger, Alcohol and Drugs

Have you ever heard the expression, "Loose lips sink ships"? Alcohol and drugs often lead to those loose lips. When a person indulges in either of these substances, his or her inhibitions drop away, which causes them to do or say things that they ordinarily would never consider doing or saying. A person who is usually quiet and reserved can become talkative and boisterous -- or even aggressive. A person who is prone to aggression can become violent. If you want to see examples of this, watch a few episodes of "Cops." Enough said.  

The Anger Family

Normal, Healthy Anger has two cousins whom we can call the "black sheep" of the Anger Family. They are neither normal nor healthy. Their names are Attitude and Behavior.

Attitude is hostile, cynical, arrogant, complains all the time, views everything in a negative light, and believes that everyone owes her something. When she comes to visit, she sticks around for a long time -- the uninvited house guest who doesn't know when to leave.

Behavior, Attitude's brother, is physically aggressive. He engages in hurtful actions, and sometimes even gets violent. He likes to dwell within people who don't care what others think or how they feel.

There are steps you can follow to take the power away from Attitude and Behavior. First, become aware of your "hot self talk." Replace it with cool self talk. The thoughts that run through your mind affect the way you feel. If you entertain hot thoughts, you will make Attitude and Behavior feel very welcome. Secondly, put some space between an anger-provoking event and your response. Attitude and Behavior are impulsive. They like to respond immediately, without giving any thought to how their response may affect those around them. If you take time to think before responding, Attitude and Behavior will get bored and leave.

Think of your mind and body as your house. You have control over who lingers and who must go. If you want to maintain healthy relationships, Attitude and Behavior need to hit the road.

Anger Can Be Triggered by Biases

We all hold biases of one sort or another. Usually when we hear the word "bias," we think of it in terms of prejudice. Another type of bias is related to the way we interpret certain events. Biases can lead us to interpret a situation in a negative way. For example, suppose you're walking down the street and someone approaches from the opposite direction, bumping into you as they pass. If you normally interpret this type of action as intentional, and you will probably feel annoyed or maybe even angry at the person. In this situation, you are biased against people who bump into you, and you will react accordingly. On the other hand, if you shrug the bump off as an accident, you hold no bias against the person who bumped into you, and therefore will not feel angry.

Whenever you feel provoked, it is easy to formulate a bias against people who do or say whatever it is that has provoked you. Biases cause us to feel justified in striking back. You may think, "She did that to me, so I'm going to do this to her," or "I'll give him a knuckle sandwich -- that's the only way he'll learn to respect me!" Biases often lead to aggressive words or actions as a way to settle disputes or anger-provoking situations. However, aggression never solves anything.

The next time you feel provoked, see whether you can identify your biases. Challenge them. They're usually irrational.

Anger and Impulsivity

When we think of impulsive behavior, we often think of adolescents. Teens tend to be more impulsive than adults. However, there are also adults who act impulsively -- who act before they think. They don't give themselves a chance to refocus their angry energy into a productive resolution; they allow themselves to react in anger before thinking that the other person may have had good reason to do or say what they did. An impulsive individual cannot let go of anger-provoking situations. He or she rarely gives another person the benefit of the doubt.

If you tend to be impulsive, find ways to manage your emotions rather than acting them out. Manage your anger instead of exploding. An angry explosion is like the steam that escapes from a pressure cooker when it comes to full pressure. See if you can begin to "think it out" rather than "acting it out."

Anger Traps

            No one intentionally wants to get caught in a trap. It happens by accident, and once you’re in it, you need either to use a key or to understand the mechanism involved so that you can navigate your way out of it. The same holds true for anger traps. You don’t see them coming. Anger traps most often occur when you think a person should act in a certain way but doesn’t. You get caught in the trap and it takes a lot of effort to get out of it.

            There are five common anger traps:

·        Entitlement. The belief underlying entitlement is that you should get something just because you want it. You say things like, “They should appreciate my work.” Actually, aside from the fundamental rights that are afforded to us by the U.S. Constitution, you are not entitled to anything.

·        Fairness. If you believe that things should be fair, you’ll get caught in the anger trap over and over. Life is not fair.

·        Self-Righteousness. You are not always right, and you don’t always have to have the last word. If you find yourself often saying, “No, it’s not that way, it’s….” your judgmental approach will trap you.

·        Conditional Assumptions. When you say, “If you cared about me, you would….” or “ If he were really my friend, he’d….” your assumption that their behavior reflects the way they feel about you will catch you every time.

·        Control. When you try to control everything and everyone around you, you will frequently feel frustrated and angry.

When you get caught in one of these traps, you really believe that you are justified for getting angry, and it’s difficult to see a situation from any perspective other than your own. It’s helpful to have a trusted friend who will first listen and empathize with how you feel but then help you out of the trap.

Anger Is Based on Your Belief System

You might think that your angry emotional and behavioral responses are caused by external events. This is not the case. Actually, your responses are filtered through and driven by your belief system, which is generally very complicated.

Your belief system builds on what we call a "ladder of inference," which is designed like this:

ACTIONS based on your beliefs

BELIEFS you adopt

CONCLUSIONS you draw

ASSUMPTIONS based on the MEANINGS OR INTERPRETATIONS

MEANINGS OR INTERPRETATIONS you add

DATA you select

ALL INFORMATION IN THE WORLD

This ladder makes sense if you read these rungs from the bottom up. As soon as you experience something, you very quickly climb this ladder. You select data, attach meanings or interpretations, make assumptions, draw conclusions, adopt beliefs and act without even thinking about it. When this dynamic happens in interpersonal relationships, with both you and the other person running up your respective ladders of inference, it can lead to conflict that can quickly escalate.

The better able you are to slow the process down -- to stop on any of the rungs and consider other ways of viewing the experience -- the better able you will be to find solutions to the problem at hand. 

Anger Cycles

Anger can be triggered in one of two ways:

• Cycle 1: This cycle starts with an incident or stressor that generates Trigger Thoughts. These Trigger Thoughts often involve something that we've taken out of context. The Trigger Thoughts make you angry. Your anger leads to more Trigger Thoughts. You get angrier. And so the cycle continues, on and on and on. As long as you continue to think Trigger Thoughts, your anger will escalate. For example, suppose a friend stands you up for a lunch date. As you sit in the restaurant, you think about other times in the past when this friend has let you down (Trigger Thoughts). You feel hurt and angry, and you think of even more ways in which you've been disappointed by this friend (Trigger Thoughts). You feel more hurt and more angry....and so on and so on.
• Cycle 2: This cycle can begin any time, any place. You're sitting minding your own business, and suddenly a Trigger Thought pops into your head. Nothing in particular has occurred to give you this thought, but it's there nonetheless. The Trigger Thought makes you stressed and angry, and you get more Trigger Thoughts. You get more stressed and even angrier. Again, the cycle is self perpetuating. Here's an example of Cycle 2: You wonder whether your partner will work late at the office again tonight. You've spent the past two evenings at home alone, watching TV. You imagine yourself doing the same tonight, and anticipate feeling lonely. Your loneliness creates stress, and the stress leads to anger. You begin to think, "He/She doesn't care about how I feel." More hurt, loneliness, anger. More Trigger Thoughts. Before you know it, you've worked yourself into a stew, and it all started with one Trigger Thought. 

In either of these examples, because your anger has been swept up into a cycle, when you finally do see your friend or your partner you will most likely lash out at him/her or give them the "silent treatment." Instead, when you're angry, see if you can identify which cycle you're in. Challenge your Trigger Thoughts. Interrupt the cycle. If you can do that, you will avoid the escalation of your anger, and improve your ability to address the situation in a more productive way, without damaging a relationship.

Anger Is Triggered by Loss

The universal trigger for anger is loss. It does not matter whether the loss is real or perceived. Your perception alone plays a major role in the way you respond to people and events. If you see someone or something as a threat to you or to something you want to accomplish, you are likely to feel angry. What's interesting is that each of us has our own perception of things -- our own lens through which we view the world. Have you ever reacted to an event, only to be told by another person that you were overreacting? It's because they perceived the event differently than you. Have you ever seen another person blow a slightly irritating incident out of proportion? Again, it's because they perceived the event differently than you.

The next time you seem to have a different reaction to an event from the people around you, stop and think about how you're perceiving the situation. Is your thinking rigid? Is it biased in some way -- based on culture, race, gender, religion, and so on? It may be possible to shift your thinking so that the person or event feels like less of a threat. If you can do that, your response to the situation may be less intense.

Anger Can Be Biochemical

Anger can be triggered by the state your body is in. This is because when you experience certain states your body experiences a "hormonal bath." Which of these states might you be experiencing today in terms of your physical well-being that might be contributing to your anger:

• Fatigue
• Sleep Deprivation
• Pain
• Hangovers

When you experience any of these four, your threshold for how much you can tolerate is much lower than it might otherwise be. This means that you will react much more quickly to an anger-provoking situation than you would if you were not tired, sleep deprived, in pain, or suffering from a hangover.

There are two more bodily conditions that can actually lead to aggression:

• Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS)
• Low blood sugar

It's no surprise that PMS is on the list. We know that when a woman is "PMS-ing" her body is awash in hormones. That can affect her tolerance for even the slightest annoyance. If she is prone to PMS, there may not be much a woman can do to avoid it. She can, however, be aware that she is at her "low threshold" and take special care not to respond to annoyances in hurtful ways.

About low blood sugar: Watch your sugar intake! High intakes of sugar will trigger a surge of insulin throughout your body. Not only does the insulin convert the sugar you just consumed, but it can access other sugar in your body and convert that, as well. This leads to lowered blood sugar levels, which results in moodiness, irritability and aggression.

On days when you are experiencing any of these six bodily states, take care of yourself. Do something to pamper yourself to help yourself through that day. Most of all, remind yourself throughout the day that you might be prone to reacting more angrily than usual, and make an effort to think before you speak or act.

Avoiding Harmful Anger Is Healthier for Your Body

Anger can be harmful to your body. A recent report published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology stated that healthy men who are frequently angry and hostile are 19% more likely to develop coronary heart disease. In addition, researchers at Yale University found that frequent anger can also significantly increase the risk of sudden death. There are things you can do to reduce the frequency and intensity of your anger:

1. Figure out what your personal anger triggers are. Write them down to get a clear snese of what often "gets your goat." Spend some time thinking about how you might handle your anger the next time one of these triggers occurs.
2. Don't overindulge in drinking or drugs. When you do, your threshold of tolerance is lowered significantly, and it takes a much shorter period of time for you to become angry over insignificant matters.
3. Exercise. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which helps you to feel calm.

Is Anger Destroying Your Life?

People tend to wait to get help with their anger until they've experienced a crisis: their intimate partner has threatened to leave them, or has already left; their boss has threatened to fire them, or they've already lost their job to anger. Before they're brought to their knees by the crisis, they ignore the warning signs. Although their angry episodes had been getting more frequent, they blamed the people around them for being more annoying. When they blew things out of proportion, they attributed it to being overwhelmed and stressed by daily hassles. They had stopped talking to several friends, but convinced themselves that the friends deserved it because of things they had said or done. Verbal or physical aggression had begun to accelerate, but they told themelves that if the other person had not made them angy they would not have lost control. Finally, they ignored or minimized the comments made by their partner or their boss about their anger problem -- until the crisis occured, and they realized they needed help.

If you see your behavior reflected in any of these signs of problem anger, get help before you reach a crisis. Start to listen to the people closest to you when they tell you that you have a problem, or that your behavior is hurtful. Begin to keep an anger log, and see whether you can notice any common threads running through your incidents of anger. Stop blaming others for "making" you angry, and begin to take responsibility for your behavior when you become angry. Find a good anger management book, and commit to reading it and following its suggestions. If that doesn't work, find a professional who specializes in anger management. If you wait too long, the damage to your relationships and your life may be irreparable.

Anger Journaling

One effective way to become aware of your anger triggers is to keep a daily anger log. At the end of each day, write down the answers to the following questions:

• Did I feel angry today?
• What was the situation, and who was there?
• What thoughts were going through my mind when the situation occurred?
• How intense was my anger, on a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being very low, and 10 being very high)
• What could I have done differently?
• How did my response affect me and the people around me?
• Did my response lead to resentment and damaged relationships?
• Did I apply problem-solving and communicate in a non-hurtful way?
• If my response was destructive, what would help me to manage my anger better in the future?

Then, at the end of each week, take a look at the logs you kept each day and look for common threads -- what were your most frequent anger triggers? What skills did you use? Were these skills effective? Can you identify any specific areas of improvement over last week?

Writing down your thoughts in this way will help you to clarify where you seem to run into trouble in terms of your anger. Once you are aware of where your trouble spots are, you are better equipped to change your reponse to anger.

Anger Assessment

Sometimes it's difficult for people to come to the realization that they have an anger problem. Part of the difficulty is just not knowing how to assess their own anger objectively. If they look at their anger subjectively they can always come up with justifications and excuses for their behavior.

If you'd like to take an objective look at your behavior, thoughtfully writing down answers to the following questions may help you to become aware of the problem areas:

One example of an angry episode in the past month was....

Looking at the episode as if in slow motion:

• How did it start?
• How was I feeing?
• What happened next?
• Was I feeling anything noticeable in my body?
• What was I thinking?
• What did I do then?
• How was my body feeling when I did that?
• What was I saying to myself at the time?
• What did I do next?
• How did my body feel?
• What were my thoughts?
• How did it end?
• At the end of the episode, did I feel satisfied with how I handled it?

What happens most often when I get angry?

• Are there things that escalate my anger?
• Are there things that help me to calm down?
• Which happens more often: escalation, or being able to calm myself down?

Have other people told me that I have an anger problem?

*****

If you're not happy with the answers you wrote down, then it's time to seek help with your anger.