Anger Guidelines

Suppose you decide that a situation is worth making an issue over. There are steps you can take to ensure that you address the anger-provoking situation in an assertive but respectful way:

• After you and the other person have both cooled down, approach him/her and ask to schedule a time when you can talk about the situation.
• When you get together to talk, seek first to understand the other person's point of view. Avoid attacking, defending, or interrupting him/her. Avoid trying to determine who's right and who's wrong. Focus instead on what about the situation is important to each of you. Anticipate that the other person's position will be much different from yours (otherwise, you would not have been in conflict), so strive to see the situation through his or her lens. While you may not agree with the other person's perspective, remind yourself that it is as valid as your own.
• Avoid blaming the other person. Focus instead on each person's contribution to the situation in a neutral way. If you can't identify your contribution to the problem, your lack of awareness is your contribution to the problem! Remember, it takes two to tango. Whatever happens between two people is the result of the actions of both people. You can unknowingly contribute to a problem in two ways: by avoiding (going along to get along, complaining to everyone but the person you're angry with, minimizing) or by distancing (acting aloof, judgmental, critical, argumentative, or in any other way that will cause others to want to avoid dealing with you).
• Use "I" statements. Talk about how you felt when the person did or said what they did. Avoid ascribing motives to what they did. You cannot know for sure what the other person intended, and your guessing is most likely based on distorted thinking.
• Focus on getting the real issues out on the table: What is it that you want? What is it that other person wants? How can both of you get at least some of what you each want?

If you approach conflicts in this way, your relationships with family, friends and co-workers will grow stronger rather than deteriorating.