A Little Empathy Goes a Long Way

When you have empathy, you are able to put yourself in another person's shoes and view a situation from the other person's perspective. The first step in acquiring empathy is to listen actively. This means that not only are you hearing the words the other person is saying, but you are listening so closely that you are able to paraphrase back what you think the other person said -- without adding your own spin or advice. This is easier said than done. Too often when we "listen" to another person our mind is already forming a response or creating a solution for the other person's problem.

Try this as an exercise with a friend: Ask a friend to talk to you about a problem he or she is struggling with, or an issue that concerns him or her. Your task? Just listen to the words. Then, use your own words to paraphrase back what you think you heard. The next step is to put yourself in your friend's shoes and imagine what feelings your friend is experiencing. Once you think you've identified the feelings say, "I imagine that makes you feel __________." Your friend then gets to confirm or correct what you imagined. Were you right on the mark, way out on third base, or somewhere in between?

Empathy in the form of active listening can help to defuse an angry situation. Rather than adding to the other person's anger by interjecting your own thoughts and feelings, step back and really listen to what the other person is saying. If you feel the need to defend yourself or bring up a counterpoint, hold it. If you empathize effectively first, the other person is more likely to listen to your thoughts and feelings later.