The Difference Between a Feeling and a Thought

When I ask a client how he or she felt in a particular situation, there are two words that signal to me that the client is expressing a thought rather than a feeling. Using the word "like" or "that" immediately after the word "feel" is not an expression of a feeling. It is a thought. For example, "I feel like you're not understanding me" and "I feel that you don't understand me" are thoughts. Thoughts often contain judgments. Before you know it, you'll be arguing about whether or not the other person understands you. "I feel misunderstood" is a feeling statement. Notice that when you open by expressing a feeling you don't use the dreaded "you" word. You are not accusing the other person of misunderstanding you; you are merely stating how you feel. Consequently, the other person is more likely to remain open to what you are saying and to respond to your feeling rather than becoming defensive. It's a subtle difference, but it could change the entire tone of your conversation.