Fear of Anger

Both men and women can be equally fearful of expressing angry feelings. If you are hesitant to express your anger, you may be afraid of what may happen if these feelings somehow get out. You may fear that the other person will criticize or disapprove of your anger. If you don't know how to ask for what you want, it can be frightening even to try. You wind up feeling confused, because anger and fear are incompatible. Why? Because the purpose of fear is to alert you to danger. Fear of anger would send the alert that anger is dangerous. There are two responses to fear: fight or flight. Therefore, if anger is perceived as dangerous, you would either fight it (by resisting it) or flee it (by avoiding it).

Anger is a tool that signals that something needs to change. It helps you to rally the strength needed to take action. If you are fighting or fleeing the tool that is supposed to be helping yuou, you lose the ability to use the tool effectively and derive benefit from its use. Fearing anger, or believing that it has no place in a work or personal relationship, sabotages that relationship. When people work hard to maintain "niceness," they never learn how to communicate their uncomfortable feelings. To avoid confrontation they stop talking and withdraw physically and emotionally from the person they're in conflict with. Sometimes people take satisfaction in the fact that they never display angry feelings toward anyone. They never get to experience the benefits of expressing anger in an effective, non-harmful way.